SANDMAN DEFINITIVE ASSESSMENTS: CELTIC vs. THE NAVARRO CARTEL…
“Boom, boom, boom, boom
boom boom boom
Boom, boom, boom, boom,
Boom boom boom.”
– ‘The Celtic Guns’ – A poem by Tony ‘Baldrick’ Robinson,
Coach of St Mirren FC.
ROXIE – 6.5/10 – As expected, head cheerleader in another seat, this time resisting the temptation to rush in and try a long-range effort as we replayed the Alamo. When called upon once crucially, however, he pounced on a loose ball in the penalty area like a cougar picking up an escaped family rabbit.
GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – Games like these are bread and drips for a Bhoy raised amid the hustle and bustle of the veins of the lower remnants of SPL/Championship MMA. Paisley’s gangsta fury didn’t faze him as he played a part in a Feegie drug bust and smashed their right flank door, piling up with an array of ammo, delivering the message with 90 Minutes energetic and energetic. Lacks the footballing finery of others but excelled as a driving force.
STAR LORD – 7.5/10 – See the difference a new series makes? Encouraged by Shelby’s last fight, he was perfectly tuned to meet a shotgun with a shotgun, brandishing a sawed off with a swagger on our defensive third, blocking the game to prevent a troubling opening for them , and playing Sutton to Larsson from his defensive partner for that vital goal. He looked the sharpest mentally we’ve seen. Must carry this channeled madness through Sunday.
GET CARTER – 8/10 MOTM – Centre-half, playmaker, predator. Fills the roles tonight like he fills this jersey; with
cultivated muscle. Whipped in his luck with the instincts of a gigantic Gerd Muller, a finish that elicited not so many expressions of joy, more of a collective roar, “Thank goodness!”. His passage from and around the back was clean and incisive; essential given the excessive time he had on the ball. All-in was the full centre-back performance required in a must-win title game. It reminded me of Jozo beating Killie the weekend Cesar left.
JURAN JURAN – 6.5/10 – The live cable we need when the beat slows. His overlapping runs are second to none and if only he had managed a little more precision in delivery we would have killed the game early from his forward positions.
CALMAC – 7.5/10 – In the end, a great captain’s performance. Listed with the objective equivalent of a happy-ending massage, but his real contribution was his metronomic influence on a struggling midfield of changing personnel. Calmac was the constant while Ange tried the variables.
THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Threatened to explode in a winning match. But he couldn’t get past the first patch despite his attempts to add architectural elements that didn’t really pay off. Promising, however.
HAKUNA HATATE – 5.5/10 – Another pauper from Andres Iniesta’s favorite J-League player. He seemed to fall into the trap of “too laid back,” which is a hard-to-break fugue state as the game rages around and away from you. Surprising, because his best games were defined by the peaks of his alertness and creativity.
ABADASS – 6/10 – Maybe he would have lit up his name again by scoring a few points and helping some too, but
became the near-child after a near miss and a few failed deliveries. Scuttles the turf at its own pace like a desert lizard running across the sand, luring saboteurs into useful fouls or sliding into dangerous areas. Add the added dimension of the ability to serve a murderous cross and he will become a superstar.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – Well, if that overhead/hitchkick had produced the goal the inventiveness and acrobatics deserved, you’d all be screaming like little chicks at a K-Pop concert. The touch is missing but the will to engage in fruitless labor is not as he put it in 90 minutes of perpetual motion that had
Duracell offering sponsorship and Tesla naming a new battery after him.
NOTEBOOK – 5.5/10 – He is going through a phase of introspection. It’s Andrew Ridgeley’s concept album inspired by the novel The Unbearable Lightness of Being that he read while backpacking in Polynesia. So we’re going to let him out of his system and hope he starts to light up the charts again with fresh and exciting performances throughout the countdown to death or glory.
BITTON – 6/10 – Never more or less than assured and regular; precisely the character required to introduce in such circumstances.
ROGIC – 7/10 – It’s 32 against 32 in the playground and the game is balanced on the razor’s edge at 18-17.
Then one of the big kids gets up, asks to play, and just takes the ball away from everyone until his team is so far ahead that the score is forgotten and no one can do more than chase it down. hoping for a little kick at the ball or maybe a sneaky spit on the back of his jersey. Yeah. Oh last night.
KARAOKE – N/A – It’s great to see the kid back in action, and he looks twice as big. Also, comically reserved by for… ‘Reasons’.
JAMESY – N/A – On with more verve than recently. But the abject shock on female faces around the stadium as someone called Pansy put an awkward tackle into the box and Jamesy – incredibly – didn’t. Goes. Down… Ladies…
TAMAGOTCHI – N/A – Glad to see him back too. A magnet to violence; 3 minutes in the park, kicking and slapping in the face. Play it up front with Kyogo, soak up the flak.
ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – A strengthening victory for Ange; Breakfast time. Proven method. Proven tactics. Changes
punchy. He’s never been in this position before – a title countdown of such intensity that we may have to sign Carol Vorderman on loan. But, for sure, he will adapt quickly and start enjoying the pressure. That comes next with the voodoo hoodoo at the spot every football purist hates. We will no doubt grimace on the Sabbath, but the great man will be right there to the side like a rock demanding that his Bhoys stick to their weapons, listen to his mantra, start over. Crossed fingers.
MIBBERY – 4/10 – Sneaky and erratic. Booked the Celtic captain – always a goat lottery winner that one. He couldn’t do much else to stop the Hoops from turning them over, but he did pull off a classic MIB yellow at the end to elicit a round of whispered, respectful applause in the ludges.
GENERAL – 7/10 – Phew. Every Day Is Like Sunday, Morrisey sang, and at halftime we realized where he had found
the inspiration for this one. When you get a free kick from 25 yards in the 2nd minute and don’t try to test their nervous keeper, you know it could be a long night. Instead of a deliberate strike, we conjured up an elaborate falafel of a move that had the same effect as throwing handfuls of glitter and pixie dust at their screaming orc/hipster hybrids in defense and hoping that they could sneeze one for us.
It set the tone for a first 45 that went like a Hibs restart, except for the one optimistic factor – we were moving the ball faster on better surface. Then the dividends paid out as a reward for our perseverance and finally putting the ball in the mix correctly, resulted in what ended up being a comfortable victory. Our centre-half turned into a gripping partnership and our skipper scored an insurance goal with the old mis-pass in the net as the keeper and defenders panicked expecting a blast.
New to do. Eight title wins. 720 minutes of an unlikely triumph that we could only capture with undiluted hopium in September. There is still a lot of football to be played but these boys have put themselves in this position and I doubt they are willing to give up this opportunity without thrills and spills.
So enjoy Broony loco train with a chainsaw on Saturday afternoon, before the Sunday lunchtime special – Livi away; the football equivalent of the root canal. Let’s hope they swap the lidocaine for cocaine and LSD this time around and, for once, the creeping terror turns into a mad trip to living Legoland.